This past week we had quite the little scare. Chandler and I were playing outside when I ran in to check on Brody, who was sleeping. All of a sudden I couldnt hear Chandler talking to himself anymore so I went out to check on him and he was gone. I didn't really panic because he is pretty famous for taking off to his friends and not telling us. So I went to the end of our street to make sure he hadn't walked behind our house and then I started knocking on doors. No one had seen Chandler. After about 10 minutes I began to panic. I hopped in my car and started driving around looking for him. I drove to the school and checked the play ground, I drove to the church, and I drove down to this new home they are building because Chandler is fascinated with the tractors that are parked out front. He was no where so I headed home to check on Brody and see if he had made his way home yet. Nothing. Panic set in as I scanned the garage and realized that his bike, scooter and tractor were all still there. I thought he had been kidnapped because all of his modes of transportation were still at home. It had now been a half hour and I enlisted the neighbor kids help and while they rode their bikes around I hopped in my car and checked the school and church again and at this time I started checking the canals that are in the fields around our home. I have never felt such a sick feeling in my life. After almost an hour of searching my neighbor pulled up and I said" Please tell me you know where Chandler is." She said he was at the school but that they had to call the police because they didnt have our information and they obviously couldn't just send a missing child home with a random neighbor. I was mad at Chandler but overjoyed that he was safe. I couldn't believe he had walked all the way to the school that is 6 blocks away and that I hadnt seen him. I ran into the school, apparently a mess, because the officer said "You must be looking for Chandler." He was sitting in the office just chattting with the secretary. They said he had been knocking on a classroom door from the outside and they brought him in. Luckily a kid in the class recognized him! I wrapped him in my arms so grateful that he was safe. I couldn't imagine my life if something had happened to him. The police assifer(name has been changed due to officers attitude) asked for my info and then asked if I had ever thought about keeping him locked up in the backyard. No sir, I love to let him run freely and play in the street. Of course I am trying to be the best mom I can and let it be said Chandler is A HANDFUL! He is very smart and headstrong. He asks me everyday if he is 5 yet so he can go to school. Apparently he didn't want to wait until he was 5! Although I was an emotional wreck I was so thankful that he was ok. I cant describe the feelings I felt when I thought something had happened to him. I felt helpess and all I could do was pray that he would make it home safely.
I am sharing this story for the purpose of journaling and for my own well being. I have had a really rough past few days feeling like I am doing something completely wrong when it comes to being a mom. I feel like I try and try but I just can't get this parenting thing right. I couldn't get past those feelings of helplessness and wondering that my child was in danger. I knew I could never forgive myself if something happened to him. Even though it may not appear as though I always feel this way, but My kids mean the world to me. I would do anything for them and I am so proud to be the mom of such adorable, sweet, outgoing, rambunctious, handsome little boys. They are the things that keep me going every day. I love to see them smile and see them enjoy life. There is no greater feeling than that of a big wet kiss from Brody or a big hug and an I love you mom, or a Moms the Man from Chandler. I love these boys with all my heart!
So at 5 am this morning I was watching an old Oprah I had recorded when my prayers were answered. I would recommend going online and watching this episode. The topic was Motherhood! It was awesome. Just lots of different moms sharing their experiences and their confessions of how hard it really is and how we just need to try our best. This was something I really needed to hear and I think Heavenly Father knew I shouldn't feel alone and he let me know I am doing a great job! It also made me realize how much love and support I do have and I am so thankful for all of the Mothers in my life. Especially my own. My mom is incredibe and she has taught me so much. I am thankful for her never ending support and advice. It was such a relief to know I am not alone and I CAN DO IT. I can be the mom my kids deserve and we all make mistakes but we have to get rid of the internal struggle to be perfect and forgive ourselves. One mom said she once let her kids go 3 weeks without a bath. Thats when I knew I was doing a pretty good job. My kids might runaway but at least they are clean and dressed nicely while they do it!!